Challenging emotions

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Interviewer: How did you feel about the pregnancy and the treatment? Did you have any chance to enjoy your pregnancy as well?

Well I had fleeting moments. When I found out I actually, that I’d had the cancer at first, before I found out that I had to have the mastectomy, I was fine. I was shocked and I was like "This is going to make things a bit challenging." But I didn’t know, I didn’t think I’d have to get them removed. I didn’t think I’d have to do chemo. I didn’t know any of that, so I actually wasn’t... I enjoyed the pregnancy up until I had the mastectomy. After I had the mastectomy, it was, it was hard for a while because I was waiting to...I was healing from that. I think I was just so tired in the first trimester and then waiting to find out if I had to do the chemo. Then preparing for all of that that was a really, really hard summer. Then going through the treatments themselves were really difficult.

The birth was fine. I felt great that night. I think, because they said the reason that I felt as good as I did is because I was pregnant and I had a lot of estrogen in my body, which for some people it depletes their body. But for me, because of the chemo and then right after I gave birth, my estrogen went, I had none left. My doctor said it was... she took a test of it and it was someone who was much, much older, like 80 or 90 years old. 
So I got really bad post-partum depression and I ended up in the psych ward for a few days. They gave me some medication and stuff to help me because I just I couldn’t sleep and I couldn’t eat. I just... it was the weirdest thing. That was for me my lowest point in everything, was the post-partum depression. I felt way worse in that time than I did finding out I had cancer or anything else. It could have just been, even when I was pregnant, I didn’t want to have to worry too, too much about it. I was scared that the energy would go to the baby so I didn’t... I could all of a sudden just released everything. So that was tough. I had, again, my family there for support and each one of my chemo treatments either my mom would fly back or my dad and my sister lived with me for almost like 7 months, while I was going through all of this. I had like I said, a few times, I had lots of support which was incredible.

Interviewer: And your husband?

He, I think he had a harder time with it. He was living with it all the time and I think he saw me as a certain person and a strong person. Then when I was going through this, especially when I had not the physical problem so much but more... when I was depressed and especially with the post-partum. He’s like "You know, you’re going to be fine, just come home you just have to have a nap." And I was actually, I can’t sleep or eat and I’m not okay and so he had a hard time with the... how hard it was for me mentally but I felt. So it was, he was supportive but he had a hard time for sure, he didn’t understand some stuff.

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