Not having been able to bond with her newborn makes Erin2 feel like she missed out, especially since she was going through a difficult time.
Transcript
It was hard. I felt like I didn’t bond with him. Like looking back now like retrospectively like having time and space has really helped. But like looking back like I feel like I didn’t really bond with him until after he was about a year old. Like obviously I loved him and like I was going to do everything I could to take care of him and be a good mom. But I really didn’t feel a connection to him until he was much older. And like looking back it like makes me mad. Like I feel like I missed out [crying] on a huge part of like being a mom. Like I missed out on this big part of like having a newborn child and like really loving them. I didn’t get to do that because of what I was going through, and that was really tough.
And it’s like… I just remember, and it’s funny because I’m not the first person. Like I said I have this group that I’m still in touch with and I’m not the only person to say this, but I look back at pictures of that time and think when he was that little, like I don’t remember it. I don’t. I don’t remember what it was like to have him be that small. Because there’s huge gaps in my memory now. And I didn’t get to enjoy it the way I feel like I should have. So yeah, bonding was tough. Like I love him to bits now. He’s a toddler and he’s the best, but as a newborn yeah, it was… It was rough.
Like I said earlier, it’s kind of like you’re just – you’re going through the motions and you’re doing it because you have to. And you know you have to. It was like I know I have to get up and change his diaper, and feed him, and put on clean clothes. I know I have to do the laundry, I have to wash his bottles. I have to do these things that I don’t want to. All I want to do is just go to bed and… Put my head under the covers and not do anything. Like that’s all – like I’m sure a lot of new moms feel like that. [Laughs] But it was extreme. To the point where like… I would just be counting the minutes until the next time I had to put him down for a nap. And that was like my only reprieve. Like there was no joy in doing things with him.
Like parts of like the only pieces of joy like I really remember from that time. Like I said, brain is very foggy on that whole like year of my life, was taking him for walks outside. Like going outside, and like putting him in the stroller and like getting sunlight and like just being outside. Those were probably the only times that I really remember like enjoying the experience.
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