Bonding with Baby
The people we spoke to talked about how their mental health affected their experience of caring for, and bonding with, their baby. For some, bonding did not happen right away. While a few women said they felt an instant connection after birth, many said it took time to build that bond. Those who needed more time often felt worried, guilty, or sad. Women had different experiences with breastfeeding, for some it helped them to feel closer to their baby but for others it wasn’t helpful for bonding. Some feared they were missing out on the full experience of motherhood. Women also spoke about how their ability to provide usual day to day care was affected by their feelings. Some women were not able to respond to the baby’s daily care needs and needed support from family and friends. Others described feeling overly anxious about things such as just getting through the day or hearing the baby cry.
With her second baby, Hope didn't feel an immediate explosion of joy after birth, and a few hours later, she experienced her first intrusive thought.
Written testimony
I was hanging off of my husband’s neck, and [my daughter] was basically coming out, I didn’t even really, I didn’t have to push her, there was no tearing nothing, but I felt outside of my body. I felt I was looking at my body opening up, I felt I was outside looking, and that was weird. And then as soon as I had given birth, thank goodness, you know, like I had my doula who was like, just chill out, you know, like just you know, it was dark and your instinct is to grab your baby sometimes. But is that because you actually want to, or is that because you feel like you have to, you know. And so, I just paused and just try to like process the fact that I just had a baby here, and this baby is mine. And I didn’t feel the attachment, I did not feel the explosion of phenomenal joy as I did with my first baby, and it scared me, really it scared me, but I was okay. And I knew what the healthy behaviours are to promote bonding and I knew what the baby needed and all that and what I needed.
So you know, the evening continued and a lot of skin to skin and latching on and all of this, but I had, that night after I gave birth, probably two three hours after I gave birth, I had my first intrusive thought. Which was that my little baby’s fingers, that looked like anemone, you know, like those sea tentacles almost, so soft and like so thin and so delicate, you know. And I just saw my little baby’s fingers as she was on my chest and I saw them, but get snipped off right away, yeah. And that scared me a lot. And . . . that was a lot of postpartum, I had a lot of these crazy, really scary intrusive thoughts, and I did not feel attached to my baby, like I did not feel that I loved her. I felt that I had a baby for my older daughter, so she wouldn’t be an only child. I felt that, when I looked at my baby, I guess I have to take care of you because who else will, because you’re my baby.
I feel fine now, you know, I feel so happy, I feel happier now than I did before I had [my daughter]. When I, you know, before even I went in for the last, because I didn’t know if should we have this baby, like oh my gosh, should we try again, like my other child’s seven and a half and we’re good, and we just moved and going on in my career and then ambivalent through the whole pregnancy. I am so glad to have this baby now, and I’m so in love with her now, and would do anything for her, but I didn’t feel that way for a while after birth and it’s extremely scary to not love your child.
Thank God I know what positive mothering behaviours are, like because I just act them out to the best as I could, but I think you can’t act them out to their full potential without that natural feeling behind them. And so, you’re not able to read, you’re not able to – and I think there’s something in the love hormones that makes the breastfeeding work better too.
I did a lot of reading on postpartum depression online and one of the things that stuck to me is this woman who had her testimonial and you know, and it scared me too, because her baby would have been, is two years old now, and only by the first birthday did she bond, you know. And women, they bond at different times, but to wait a year or two years to fall in love with your baby, that is so hard. You know, for me to wait, I remember falling in love with [name daughter], it happened slowly, but I remember the first time that I really kind of, my heart kind of softened and opened, and it was weeks after she was born, weeks. And it may be actually the whole crisis thing with the breast milk, I wonder if it was actually another event that had a reason, which was I had to freak out that my baby was dying for me to like focus on putting everything into that baby, so.
Christine couldn't believe that she didn't feel a bond with her newborn and wondered what was wrong with her.
Transcript
Now I just have I feel like I have regular mom anxiety like is he gonna have friends? [both laugh] Is he eating enough carrots like regular stuff? So yeah, it went on for a bit, but it always got better. And now I just can’t. I was always worried […]
Several women shared that they felt that they missed out on bonding with their baby because of difficulties with breastfeeding or struggles with their mental health. Some also said they felt sad or worried about not bonding right away. Sophia, for example, explained she felt guilty for ‘abandoning’ her baby. Additionally, some mothers noticed that their baby seemed to have formed a stronger bond with their father.
Michelle1's son is mostly attached to his father, which she attributes to her feelings of detachment during the first six months of his life.
Transcript
And he was patient and he tried to give me a lot of space but it was very frustrating for him too so there were times where he would get frustrated that I didn’t care, that I didn’t want to hold my son. I didn’t want to hold my son, […]
Not having been able to bond with her newborn makes Erin2 feel like she missed out, especially since she was going through a difficult time.
Transcript
It was hard. I felt like I didn’t bond with him. Like looking back now like retrospectively like having time and space has really helped. But like looking back like I feel like I didn’t really bond with him until after he was about a year old. Like obviously I […]
Despite always caring for the baby, Caroline still felt she hadn't fully bonded; she started having intrusive thoughts 3-4 months after the birth.
Transcript
Oui, elle était avec moi, j’étais dans un hôpital dans la section où les femmes ont accouché. Fait que j’avais… Elle était toujours, toujours avec moi, c’est ça, je l’ai toujours allaitée, on ne m’a jamais comme pris le bébé. J’ai une amie qui est venue s’en occuper une nuit. […]
Taking care of their baby came with extra challenges for women dealing with mental health struggles. Many felt tired or drowsy from their medication or struggled with sleep, not just because of the continuous care for the baby but also because of anxiety or racing thoughts that kept them awake. On top of that, they shared how getting through the day or caring for a crying baby made their anxiety worse.
The thought of getting out of bed to care for the baby felt overwhelming for Leah.
Transcript
I think it was – yeah, really around Christmas time. That’s kind of when I had that episode where I just couldn’t get out of bed. I had just – I was really – I definitely think I had a lot of rage and anger like particularly like that was […]
The combination of medication and sleep deprivation made it feel unsafe for Erin2 to care for her baby.
Transcript
I had just not slept in so long. So I knew that you know, for me to be taking care of a young baby when I was like, literally so sleep deprived that I felt like I needed to go to the hospital. Like I knew that you know, I […]
While others helped care for the newborn, Andrea had to figure out how to do it on her own.
Transcript
So now it added a whole different dimension, and I remember the first time I had to be alone with my daughter for two hours. I was so frightened and it just had to be a matter of proving to myself that I could do it. So those two hours […]
Anxiety kept building throughout the day when Aurore couldn't finish the tasks she had planned.
Transcript
I hadn’t accessed that, because it’s usually… actually, this is interesting… it’s usually during the day when I’m alone with him, where, because I’m feeling the anxiety build of what’s happening for him, trying to get things done around the house, and then by late afternoon, things have built during […]
Hearing her baby cry sent Michelle1's anxiety through the roof.
Transcript
The hours are so long plus when the baby could cry my anxiety would go through the roof. I would try to do anything to calm him down. And with a newborn you have no idea why they’re crying. Well, you can figure it out though. So, the psychiatrist or […]
Karmin felt guilty for neglecting herself because it made it harder to care for her baby.
Transcript
Yeah, like I found the postpartum feelings to be a lot different than any depression I’ve ever experienced before. I did have a lot of guilt for my feelings because I – I thought, you know, like I should be happy. Like, I wanted this baby so much and you […]
Despite all these struggles women also spoke about how things did get better with time.
Strengthening the Bonding and Enjoying Care for the Baby
People found different ways to build a bond with their baby, even when they did not feel like doing so right away. Hope shared that she focused on bonding through skin-to-skin contact and encouraging her baby to breastfeed. Candace described her approach as “fake it until you make it”. For Karmin, having experienced several losses before her baby was born, she felt a deep love for her newborn, but this deep love also brought feelings of guilt. Most people who did not feel an instant bond said that their connection with the baby grew stronger over time.
Although Krysta felt terrible, she still felt like she bonded with her baby, even if it meant pushing herself a little.
Transcript
It was extremely hard. I’m very proud of myself for being able to just – I feel like even through all that I was able to give him love and be there every minute. He means the world to me and I’d do it again for him. But yeah, it […]
The public health nurse helped Kalli see bonding in a new way.
Transcript
And I remember seeking out some support from a public health nurse about a month-and-a-half ish after my first son was born to help me with the nursing – if we could try, like, you know, with other interventions, maybe using a nipple shield or something like that. And she’s, […]
There is this idea that bonding happens right after birth, but for Genna it took some time to develop that connection.
Transcript
Yeah I think so. I mean relationships and bonds grow normally and I think there’s this expectation that people have that as soon as the baby comes out, they put you skin to skin and all of a sudden this overwhelming joy and love for your child that’s this amazing, […]
Sometimes, the bond needed a little encouragement, and Hope believes that cuddling and skin-to-skin contact can strengthen that connection with the baby.
Written testimony
Poorly. I think they know something is wrong and that also affects the breastfeeding relationship, yeah. And it’s an impossible situation, it’s just a situation that needs to be helped and remedied and nurtured by a bunch of different health professionals. Like in the old days, and a long time ago I am sure that certain PPD things happened, but you would have wet nurses and have these women there to encourage the relationship. The relationship needs to be encouraged, otherwise you distance yourself from, it’s very easy if you don’t love your baby to distance yourself from your baby, so the relationship really needs to be encouraged. And I think that there’s a lot of like, you know, when it comes to parenting and people are so sensitive.
But I really believe that if you kind of spend a lot of time skin to skin with your baby and breastfeeding your baby and smelling your baby and nuzzling your baby and kissing your baby and touching your baby and really, really physical; it’s very sensual; it’s good for the baby. But I think they can tell, you know, you can tell when somebody touches you and it’s a bit empty and, but it’s better than not being touched. Because it would be very easy just to swaddle your baby and to leave them and to like – and I did. I did; I look back and I see, even in my own mothering where I was so attentive as to like, oh natural type of biological mothering, I did not offer the breast enough. Because I felt like the breastfeeding was, I didn’t feel well with the breastfeeding, breastfeeding can feel well, you know, even though it’s challenging, it can feel well and I know that.
Finding the right dose of medication helped Michelle1 feel better, and she started to enjoy taking care of her son.
Transcript
Eventually, once we got to the right dose that took – I was admitted at the end of June, about September, October would be when my psychiatrist would say that I was well, quote/unquote. I’m using air quotes again. I had a desire to actually do things, to get out […]
Even during times of postpartum depression, Mirian always felt able to care for her baby.
Transcript
Yes. I always felt like I was able to take care of him and, like, always look, you know, like, feeding him. Breastfeeding was very important to me so I always made a huge effort to breastfeed him on demand. And always keeping him clean and healthy and warm. You […]