Stigma and Feeling Judged

Most of the women we spoke to shared experiences of feeling judged or facing taboos and prejudice during pregnancy and while caring for their newborns. Several mentioned that they felt that society, and some mentioned social media in particular, sets unrealistic expectations about pregnancy and parenthood. The women in this study also talked about how their own expectations were further informed by observing how other parents seemed to be coping better, or by comparing themselves to how their own parents’ managed parenthood. When they couldn’t meet these expectations for themselves, this often led to harsh self-criticism.  

In this section we describe how people experienced or feared judgement from others, including feelings of stigma, social pressure, and the influence of taboos and myths, often triggering emotions like fear, guilt and shame. Reflecting on these experiences, participants also mentioned the importance of making space for tolerance, open-mindedness and acceptance.  

Almost everyone we interviewed spoke about this topic, although their specific concerns and fears varied. Here, we provide a summary of these experiences and links to other topic pages for more detailed descriptions.  

 

Social Expectations

Many people described feeling that there is a common expectation in society that pregnancy, birth and becoming a parent is smooth and joyful. They shared worries about the influence of stereotypes of motherhood, like being a happy new mum, breastfeeding without trouble, having a happy baby who sleeps well, keeping the house tidy and preparing good meals. See and read more in feeding and bonding.

 

Not Meeting the Expectations of Being a ‘Good’ Mum

Along with the expectations about how to raise children, women also talked about how they were made to feel different as a mother with mental health issues. For example, Josée-Anne wished she could have been with her baby in the hospital, like a ‘normal’ mum without dealing with anxiety. Joan felt she was not a ‘blissful new mum’. Amanda2 realized she could not be the mum she thought she would be, and Michelle2 felt like she was not a great mum, like several other women. And some women even wondered if their child would be better off without them. Many kept quiet around others because they were afraid of what others would think or feared being judged. Others worried people may think they didn’t love their child or that women with postpartum depression might harm their babies. Michelle1 tried to distance herself from these ideas and aimed to be a ‘good enough mum’. 

 

Feeling Ashamed to Admit that You are Not Managing Well

Many people shared that they felt worried and upset when unable to meet these societal expectations. They talked about struggles like not being able to breastfeed, arriving at a mom’s group feeling exhausted, with a crying baby who needed a diaper change, or having their birth not go as planned. Woman often felt like failures, incompetent, embarrassed or ashamed. Kaitlyn shared that she was ashamed to admit she was feeling lonely and blamed herself for not doing well, even though she recognized her privilege as a financially stable, married white women. See and read more in managing new routines.

 

Not Wanting Others to Know

Many mothers kept their worries to themselves because they did not want others to know they were struggling. Hope shared that she pretended to be a happy mom to hide how she felt. Several women worried that their coworkers might find out if they sought help. Others, especially those in small communities, were worried about reaching out to a local nurse that would also be part of the community.

 

Taboos Around Opening Up About Challenges of Having Babies

Several people talked about how hard it can be to talk about the struggles of having babies. Sophia mentions that it feels like you can’t talk about the negative or harder things without being seen as a bad mum. Andrea called it a ‘circle of silence’ and said that breaking this silence one of the main reasons she volunteered to participate in this study. Sophia spoke about the importance of reminding others that they are not alone. 

 

Fear for the Possibility that Child Might be Taken Away

Some women told us that they did not ask for help as they were afraid their child might be taken away. For example, Candace thought her intrusive thoughts were real and worried how that would come across if she reached out for support. Jane held back on sharing some of her thoughts when talking about her health as she felt embarrassed and worried that her child might be taken away.

For readers, please know that you can call 911 for emergency services, 988 for the suicide helpline, and 811 for 24/7 nursing advice and information about any health challenges or if you are having dark thoughts at any time.

 

Fearing Judgement of Other Mothers and Not Fitting In

Many people shared fears of judgement or experiences of being judged by other mothers. They were referred to by participants as ‘sancti-mommies’, part of a ‘mom-eat-mom‘ world or ‘super mommies’. Despite these challenges, many people also found incredible support from others going through similar experiences or offering support to those who were struggling. Susan described how her support group saved her life when she was struggling with suicidal ideation. And Candace spoke of the pressure of trying not to be that mom that everyone hates. 

 

Taboos Around Taking Medications for Mental Health Issues

Some women talked about how taking or talking about medication can be stigmatizing. At the same time, most people didn’t feel judged by healthcare professionals while receiving treatment. Zoe, for example, felt that her psychiatrist didn’t judge her or put a label her. See and read more in medication and treatment.

 

Systemic Issues Around the Lack of Services for Women’s Health

Many women raised concerns about the lack of the presence of or access to mental health services for women during and after pregnancy – perhaps as part of the issue of stigma around mental health. Several women described how these services had shut down in their community and accessing these kinds of services now requires travelling for hours. Erin1 felt that the lack of services was due to it being considered a women’s issue and of lower priority. See and read more in gaps in the health care system.

 

Implications for Work when Speaking About Mental Health Problems

Several women said that they chose not to speak about their mental health struggles as they worried it might affect their jobs. See and read more in work and finances.

Despite the many challenges, stigmas and societal pressures surrounding mental health before and during pregnancy, women found ways to cope and navigate these difficulties. They described their efforts to create more open communication about the realities of motherhood and mental health, for example by sharing their experiences in this study, joining support groups and speaking openly about their struggles with other mothers. Many women also found support and strength by hearing others’ stories and receiving support from those who had gone through similar experiences, for Susan this was lifesaving. While accessing medical help was often a challenge, once women were seen by healthcare professionals, they generally did not feel judged. In addition, some women made significant changes to their careers and took on new projects, driven by a desire to help and support others facing similar struggles.