Relationships

Many women struggled to understand what was happening to them and wondered if their experiences were falling within a ‘normal’ range for mothers with newborns, or if they needed to seek help. At the same time, people around them would sometimes also raise concerns about particular behaviours they noticed or about the impact on their relationship. But not everyone around them noticed that they weren’t feeling well. Some women were unaware of what was happening to them or denied any possibility of experiencing issues related to mental health problems. In some cases, participants described how their partners struggled to balance the additional care for the mother and newborn as well as work responsibilities. Many participants described having gone through many hardships but that they and their partner had ultimately grown closer. For others, the situation created distance between the partners or spouses.

Impact on Other People

People shared how their feelings and behaviors affected those around them, especially their close friends and family members. Sara explained: “Oh, yeah, I was … definitely have a lot of rage, anger, which, of course comes out on the ones that you love the most. You’re most comfortable with.” Participants sometimes described the impact on others as traumatic, worrisome, frightening and stressful, and causing conflict, fear and shock. Others felt guilty, overwhelmed and heartbroken seeing their loved one struggle.

In some situations, women suffered from their intrusive thoughts or anxiety to such an extent that they started accusing others of not properly caring for the baby or suspecting that others had intentions to hurt their newborn. This in turn had a negative impact on their relationships with those who were caring for the newborn.  

In Genna’s case, her psychotic ideations related to spirituality which had a big impact on her husband who disagreed with her ideas: “It brought up really hard feelings for him. He’s not someone who’s spiritual or believes in God and so he would try to kind of argue with me and the advice he was given was that, that wouldn’t really be effective, so to just kind of let my psychotic hallucinations be as they were”. Kaitlyn and her partner went separate ways during this time and she described her relationship as “passing ships”. Yet, many others described supportive relationships through these difficult times. Amanda2 said “Yeah, my husband, I mean, he knows everything at this point, like the good, the bad and the ugly when it comes to my mental and physical health.”

Several participants described how their partners had to face the challenges and worries of having to care for two people at the same time while also balancing work responsibilities. Christine, for example, explained: “It felt like he had to come home and take care of two people, me and his newborn because I wasn’t, I wasn’t just handling things.” Similarly, Genna’s husband was worried to have to take care of both of them, while Julie’s partner felt overwhelmed and unsure how to help. Participants also described how partners neglected their own well-being in order to care for them. Despite these challenges, several participants also describe how their relationships strengthened and brought them closer. Michelle1, for example, described how her husband helped her through hard times: “He tried to be very supportive, but he couldn’t get or couldn’t understand the point I was at where I didn’t care about anything in life. I mean I didn’t even understand the point I was at and I like to be in control of things, which is not necessarily a good quality but it is who I am. And that was part of the thing that made it so difficult was that I knew it was all in my head but I couldn’t control it. I couldn’t just make a switch go on”. Several people told us that they tried hard not to show they were unwell so that their partners or others would not worry. Susan said she put up a “brave face”. Others felt worried about letting their husband down by not being well.

Understanding What it is Like to Live with PMH

It wasn’t always easy for the people close to those we interviewed to understand what was going on or know how to help. Michelle1 explained it like this “I don’t blame my husband because he knows I’m a force to be reckoned with, plus he’s not a medical professional, right? My mother on the other hand did question it but, you know, daughters don’t necessarily listen to their mothers always.”

Several others talked about how cultural, generational or other differences affected how mental health issues were understood. For example, these factors interfered with their ability to talk to their close ones about this topic, and/or it could also mean that others were unable to understand what they were going through. Hope explained it like this: “Well unfortunately, I can’t really talk to my mother and father and immediate family about these things … I don’t know, I don’t feel comfortable. I disclosed to my mom, I mean I’ve forgiven her [for not being able to speak about these kind of topics], she’s done the best she can considering what kind of parents she came from, who never probably ever gave her any affection at all, even as a small child”. Despite these challenges, women acknowledged that most partners and family members still did their best to offer support.  In some cases, the participants felt these misunderstandings were due to different cultural or generational expectations with mental health. Such as in Mirian’s situation when she shared with her mother that she likely had depression: “And I remember coming back and crying and telling my mother I think I have postpartum depression. And we gave each other a hug and she was like, ‘No, no, no, you don’t have anything.’ I think because it was in her culture to just deny negative things and just say no, no, no, everything is going to be OK. I think she had no idea how to deal with that”.

While many women encountered challenges in sharing their struggles with loved ones, many people also described how their relationship strengthened while going through this period.