Symptoms

After having her baby, Genna and her partner were trying to figure out if she had baby blues or psychosis.

An intense fear of pregnancy and delivery made Zoe feel tense, nauseous and trapped in a never-ending cycle of worries.

Written testimony

To be honest, I mean I listened to what she had to say but it’s important to mention that I also had this underlying and important and significant fear of pregnancy itself. Pregnancy, delivery, this idea of carrying another human being for nine months, there was a lot about that process itself that was, that seemed very daunting and for better or for worse I was questioning my capacity to carry out a successful pregnancy. Maybe severely underestimating myself but also falling into I guess the trap of over thinking it and over analyzing, falling into just the endless spiral of worries ad what-if’s which I’m notorious for.

Because, yeah, yeah, I guess there was a lot of uncertainty related to the pregnancy process itself and I’m somebody who reads about things, who hears, when they hear stories I tend not to be impressionable, but if I hear a story, like for instance at the time my best friend had given birth in this very hospital to a very large baby following a very difficult labour that lasted over thirty-six hours and it was traumatic. And she didn’t even give me all the details but her mother did and perhaps I was already in some type of vulnerable or fragile state and that really left an impression on me.

So anything related remotely to pregnancy and delivery was kind of not sitting well with me. I would really tense up at the thought of, like really become tense, like everything would contract. The belly, again. I’d have symptoms of, you know, just a knot in my stomach, nausea sometimes just out of fear, out of anxiety at the thought of pregnancy.

So, with my GP telling me that, you know, it’s best that you decrease your medication and eventually wean off of it for the sake of your child.

Being someone who tends to anticipate everything may have contributed to Myriam's symptoms.

Michelle1 later understood that the depression after giving birth stemmed from the anxiety she felt during pregnancy.

Although the constant fear that someone was going to hurt her son did not feel normal for Joan, she could justify it to herself.

The turning point for her mental health came for Susan when she felt a deep love for her daughter and realized she needed to focus on getting better.

It was a huge relief for Hope when her doctor reassured her that intrusive thoughts can be normal and are treatable.

Written testimony

I felt scared of myself, I felt these intrusive visual thoughts of horrific things that could happen or even that I could do, I could drop my baby, I could drown my baby, I could smash my baby, I could kill my baby. I was so scared of myself, and I knew I needed to get help, because – and I was scared to get help, because I was scared they would take my baby away, because of those horrific thoughts I would have. They would really scare me, I didn’t know what to do with those thoughts, and thank goodness my husband, like we have a very good relationship and strong relationship, and I could tell him, and I was scared he was going to hurt the baby too. And I was scared that if the baby was out of my sight someone would hurt the baby, but I was also scared I could hurt the baby, and so I had a lot of these intrusive thoughts.

Anyway, I knew I needed to get help, I got help by the same woman who, the same doctor who specializes in medication and pregnancy, she also specializes in the postpartum distress period, and she helped right away. She normalized it right away, because I was very scared of the intrusive thoughts, they’re absolutely horrific, and they were absolutely horrific, and she looked at me and she said; it’s very normal. And I just cried, because I felt abnormal, really abnormal, and it is abnormal, it’s maladaptive, those intrusive thoughts can be adaptive mechanisms, you know, but they get out of control or maladaptive and it’s not normal, like you know, I needed to see somebody.

And so, I don’t know if her expertise was exactly how the medication works, but just that it reduces symptoms of depression and anxiety so that like the woman doesn’t kill herself or her baby. I’m sorry to be . . . morbid in that, but it’s a huge risk, you know, I’m sure in pregnancy, untreated depression, there’s a risk of suicide for sure, a higher risk I’m sure, I don’t know. What another thing is, I wish I would’ve know is that when I was having these horrific intrusive thoughts, and the content of the thoughts apparently, my doctor was telling me, she’s like, you can tell me, but you don’t have to. Most women will never ever in their entire life disclose the full content of their intrusive thoughts, that’s how horrific they are, you know, so. But I would’ve, I wish I would’ve know that intrusive thoughts are a thing.

Interviewer: And how, and thinking like I spoke with other women, that’s how they described it, so how do women. For example, on this website, how could they help each other informing about these thoughts? Like do you think they need to know what kind of thoughts there are, or do they need to know like just basically that you can have it and then –?

I think that, yeah, there should be a definition of intrusive thoughts and then I think that there should be an explanation of what they are, which is that all post, this is from my doctor, this is all postpartum women, we’ll have some intrusive thoughts, they are normal. What is not normal is when they’re constant and when they’re all the time, and they disturb you. Intrusive thoughts, you can have intrusive thoughts and you can be like, oh my god, my brain is just having some brain fart, that’s what they’re, some psychologists call them like a brain fart. I’m not even going to bother thinking about it, it’s just a normal blip of the brain. But other people, especially if they’re high anxiety, they’re going to have an intrusive thought and they’re going to, holy shit, like am I going to drop my baby off the balcony, now I’m scared to stand next to the balcony, whereas somebody else would be like; I’m not going to drop my baby of the balcony.

So, it’s your relationship with the thoughts, but at the speed and frequency that they come too. And so, if they are disturbing, if your intrusive thoughts are disturbing you, and for most women they do, you have to go get help. And you are not going to hurt your baby, that’s another message, you are not going to hurt your baby if you have intrusive thoughts. You might feel like you could or think that you would, you will not if you have intrusive thoughts and want to go get help, because it shows you’re scared of yourself.

Women that hurt their babies, I don’t know actually, I’m not an expert in that at all and we didn’t talk about that with my doctor, but one major take home message was is like, you are not a psychopath, you are not going to kill your kid. If you’re here with your intrusive thoughts getting help, you know, whatever is in your thoughts, you are not going to act out on them. Because you’re here getting help, because you know that those thoughts are not healthy. It’s when people think that those intrusive thoughts are healthy, you know, or they act out on them. I mean it’s, I don’t know how to explain it, but don’t be scared if you have intrusive thoughts, go get help, you know. You have to go get help and, because they’re a symptom of distress if they’re maladaptive.

The frequency of the obsessive thoughts reduced as Myriam learned how to cope with them.

Michelle2 experienced intrusive thoughts and continued to get increasingly worse until a psychosis set in.

It was hard for Kaitlyn to reach out for help because, on the outside, it wasn't obvious that things were not going well.

Julie feels more resilient, and a lot of healing has taken place.

Written testimony

Yeah. So despite these tears, just thinking about that experience I’m much more resilient today. I have a lot more time – there’s a lot of healing that’s happened. So I still have my birth-related injury. I don’t have pain, thankfully. So that ER doctor was incorrect; I do not have chronic pain. [Laughter] Incorrect. I do not have pain. I do have [a birth injury] still, and so I make lifestyle modifications because of that. And I’ve sought a lot of physiotherapy in my first year of postpartum related to it.

And I – my mental health is much, much, much better. I still am being followed and supported by mental health therapists to help me process the trauma, still, of – I think I experienced multiple traumas. And I think one of those little traumas is from the health system and the lack support that we received that shouldn’t have been the case. Again, this is why, like, when I heard about the study I felt like, you know, if I can contribute in some way that can help maybe advocate for change and maybe help someone else who’s struggling, then that would be a beautiful gift and meaning-making for my experience and my journey that I’ve gone through.

I reflect back on those experiences and I’m so proud that I have gotten through it, that we got through it as a family. And so, yeah, it’s completely different, my life today, than what it was in those first several months postpartum, for sure. Yeah.